The Nev Filter

Country-Blocking Twitter Development Poses No Threat To Freedom Of Stuff, Say Online Paragons

2012-01-28T12:35:00.001Z

This living saint says it's OK

Millions of grass-roots defenders of free stuff swiftly put down their trusty keyboards yesterday to mount a viral campaign of complete silence, after Twitter unveiled a way of blocking all messages from entire countries which has absolutely no impact on the basic human right to steal other people’s stuff.

“,” declared staunch free-stuff supporters Anonymous, summing up the concerns of ethical campaigners across the globe, as they deployed hard-hitting distributed denial-of-service attacks on no multinational corporations or government agencies in response to the uncontroversial move from Twitter which – although allowing oppressive governments to silence citizens’ protests with just one simple email – will preserve their fundamental freedom to help themselves to copyright material.

“We believe the new, more granular approach to withheld content is a good thing for freedom of expression,” a Twitter spokesman lied through his teeth. “If you think you have a problem with the logic of that sentence, please stop worrying about it right now and concentrate on the awful fate of Megaupload instead.”

Cameron The Biggest Fan Of Gays Since Hitler, Warns Archbishop

2012-01-28T12:24:00.001Z

Prime minister David Cameron’s support for gay marriage puts him in exactly the same category as Hitler, Stalin and Pol Pot, according to Dr John Sentamu, the Archbishop of York.

Dr Sentamu also took the opportunity to lambast the Church of England for being dominated by a white, middle-class elite.

How To Spot A Dictator – Those Tell-Tale Signs

- Demands total obedience to a charismatic figurehead
- Penchant for wearing garish costumes
- Big on ceremonial public rituals
- Unusually keen interest in your private life
- Portrays self as man of the people
- Blames everything on bourgeoisie and/or some ethnic group
- Everyone to obey his favourite book

Hilarious Tory Post-Ironic Wartime Poster Parody Craze Seizes Internet

2012-01-27T13:31:00.001Z

‘Decent, Hard-Working Families’ Exposed As Spiteful Daily Mail-Reading Desk Jockeys Contemplating Divorce

2012-01-26T12:59:00.001Z

Look at the good, honest sweat pouring off him

A nationwide search for the ‘decent, hard-working families’ whose interests and approval are the driving force behind David Cameron's government has revealed that they are all sitting on their fat arses in front of a spreadsheet from nine to five, furiously whipping themselves up into a chorus of hate over the latest welfare-state atrocity which the Daily Mail has kindly brought to their attention, whilst mentally crossing off the days until their feeble-minded children are finally old enough to be told that mummy and daddy are sick and tired of tolerating each other’s selfish emotional and physical demands.

Mr Cameron, however, dismissed the findings as “irrelevant” as he seeks to drag the Lords and Europe kicking and screaming into the 21st century and abolish the outdated concepts of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ and replace morality with the universal human values of ‘me’, ‘me’ and ‘me’.

Archbishop Spreads The Word ‘Cunt’

2012-01-26T12:45:00.000Z

Praise the cunt

Retired archbishop George Carey urged Britain to join him in worshipping a golden statue of a calf adorned with the twisted, snarling features of Mail editor-in-chief Paul Dacre.

“I worshipped that softy loser Christ all my life, and all I ever got out of it was a pointy hat and a stick,” preached the former Archbishop of Canterbury. “Bollocks to that. My new lord and paymaster, Paul Dacre Almighty, says those who faithfully accept his message of selfishness and greed into their hearts can redeem real, tangible rewards right here on earth."

"Like this cheque made out to ‘That cunt Carey’," he proclaimed joyfully. "Hallelujah!”

Britain To Reinforce Falklands Garrison With Diane Abbott

2012-01-19T11:16:00.001Z

They can shoot it down, but it just keeps going

As Argentina angrily rebuffs David Cameron’s accusations of colonialism, the prime minister today announced that a fearsome task force consisting of Labour MP Diane Abbott had been put aboard a rowing boat in Portsmouth and, even as he spoke, was being pushed down the slipway in the general direction of the Falkland Islands.

“Let no one be in any doubt about our commitment to the Falklands,” he warned, as a cheering member of the Abbott family lined the dockside to wave off the Hero of Hackney North. “I guarantee that these islands will remain British to the core, until the day the oil under the South Atlantic goes barmy and asks for a Mickey Mouse banana-republic passport.”

Admiring armchair warriors say Ms Abbott is trained to spring into action without thinking and, on arrival in Stanley Harbour, will instantly tweet a deadly-inaccurate barrage of flaming flak against any real or imagined dago sabre-rattling.

“Keeping this white colony in what’s left of the British Empire is a key part of Britain’s strategy to divide colonialist Argentina and rule the waves,” declared Ms Abbott patriotically, bailing furiously as the tide swept her majestically past the Solent Marina.

MI6 In Race To Develop Spying Dog Turd

2012-01-19T11:10:00.001Z

MI6 has been ordered to step on it

As a shame-faced Britain finally owns up to spying on Russia with a fake rock, the nation’s spooks are in a race against time to develop and deploy a top-secret dog turd which can scan and record all radio frequencies within a three-mile radius.

“Now do pay attention, 007,” snapped top MI6 boffin Q. “This may look like an ordinary shit on an ordinary pavement, but let me assure you the pavement is entirely false. This poodle has been fed for weeks on an exclusive diet of quad-band smartphones, in an attempt to incorporate cutting-edge radio reception technology into its DNA. We can then deploy it without fear of detection on the streets of Moscow, dropping listening devices outside key installations such as Mr Putin’s bathroom window.”

When it was pointed out that the dog had in fact expired, an irritated Q explained that the fiendishly cunning gadget was nevertheless ready for field trials.

“Once the dog has been mounted on wheels, Commander, you must tow it along, pausing briefly to give it a quick squeeze as you arrive at your designated waypoints,” he explained.

Sceptics, however, claim that he-man Vladimir Putin will prove unable to resist the temptation to wrestle the dog in front of Russian TV cameras, leading to unfortunate consequences which might compromise the mission.

Nev Filter Annoys World By Staying Online

2012-01-18T12:31:00.001Z

As the small, insignificant part of the world which is not the United States somehow manages to bump along for a day without the sum total of human knowledge which is Wikipedia, the Nev Filter proudly announced that it would be joining the heroic struggle to piss off internet users by continuing to shovel the usual rubbish into the worldwide web.

“SOPA – I have no sodding idea what that stands for, because I can’t wiki it – is undoubtedly the greatest threat to freedom the world has ever seen,” railed the horrified editor of the world’s most popular Plymouth-based satire site. “If you don’t contact a random US senator immediately to uphold Americans’ god-given right to steal anything they like off the internet, tomorrow your face will be nailed shut by some malevolent bastard from Sony Entertainment with a hammer. Have I got that right? It’s bloody impossible to check anything.”

While many essential toys – including Wikipedia, Reddit and the unmissable ‘Bobbi-Lee’s Kra-Z Life Of A Minnesota Mom (And Family!)’ blog – have been thrown out of the internet’s pram for 24 hours by their liberty-loving boards of directors, the Nev Filter has decided instead that the best way it can help to force the world’s attention onto this purely domestic US matter whether it cares or not is to adopt Facebook’s policy of continuing to irritate the crap out its long-suffering user base.

Unions Urge Labour Party To Cut Disability Costs

2012-01-18T12:04:00.000Z

Union leaders are continuing to demand action from the Labour Party on the thorny issue of disability cuts, after chronic disability Miliband 2 pointedly refused to discuss his crippling leadership.

Look - he's perfectly capable of doing Mr Cameron's job

“This pitiful waster is costing the Labour movement millions of votes it simply can’t afford to go without,” wailed Len McCluskey, general secretary of Unite, as the stumbling leader of the opposition lamely chose not to make any reference to unpopular welfare reforms pushed through the House of Lords yesterday during his long self-pitying whine about his own special problems.

Meanwhile, Lord Fraud – who successfully steered the government’s controversial bill through the upper chamber last night by explaining that disabled people were a sub-species of crab and, although there was no evidence for it, it was a scientific fact - chipped in by pointing out that there were many useful jobs which Miliband 2 was perfectly capable of, such as leading the Labour Party to defeat at the next general election.

End This Crazy Disability Bonanza, Government Tells Lords

2012-01-17T19:40:00.000Z

Your kids don't get handed one of these to play with

The government today urged the House of Lords to pass the bill it promises will at last halt the obscenely generous gravy train ridden by Britain’s selfish disableds.

“Them thievin’ vultures been livin’ the life of Riley for twenty years now while the rest of us starve, thanks to all them state freebies what that bleedin’ lefty John Major give ‘em,” pleaded undernourished crips minister Maria Miller, as she sat forlornly outside the entrance to the upper chamber with a dog on a string. “Please, milord mate, give us a vote - else I swear I’ll just have to stop me poor little middle-income mums’ Wine Benefit ration, the poor darlin’s.”

The government faces an uphill struggle in trying to explain to Their Rebellious Lordships that most disabilities – including Parkinson’s, muscular dystrophy, Down’s syndrome, terminal cancer and permanent vegetative state – are really no more debilitating or long-lasting than man flu, or a paper cut.

“Them bone-idle buggers are just as capable of the same low-paid, dead-end jobs as any other dolescum, if they could only be arsed to put whatever functioning body parts they might possess into it.” mumbled Ms Miller - who had to curtail her former marketing consultancy activities when she was cruelly elected to the House of Commons in 2005, and now has to cover all her many needs on a grudging state handout of £97,139 plus a meagre expenses allowance.

“I tell you, milord mate, I bleedin’ wish I was disabled,” she sobbed convincingly. “An’ I tell yer, there’s lots of others what feels the same way.”

Yahoo News: Evil Private Eye Editor Tells Leveson Nothing Is The Matter With Anything

2012-01-17T19:34:00.001Z

Sick, twisted Private Eye liar-in-chief Ian Hislop – the most-sued bastard in the history of the world in space - had the bare-faced cheek to stand in front of the Leveson inquiry today and claim that nothing at all was the matter with Britain’s notoriously slack media laws, according to Adam Parris-Long of magisterial current-affairs provider, Yahoo-oo-oo!!!

Is this man Britain's most toxic little baldy bastard?

Arch-hypocrite Hislop – who, crucially, eventually owned up to having met an MP or two in the course of his 36-year reign of terror at Britain’s most odious publication – openly boasted to the shocked panel that, in his warped view, there was no need for further regulation of the press.

“Statutory regulation is not needed, we have quite a lot of it already - although it seems it’s only ever me who cops it,” whinged the sneering public-school toff, who was educated at a posh folks’ university at your expense and steals money from hard-pressed TV licence-payers' children every week on Have I Got News For You.

“I believe in a free press, I don’t believe in a regulated press, the press should keep to the law,” taunted the cackling Hislop, whose deviously-manipulated public persona carefully conceals the privileged upper-class title of 'Lord Gnome' which he inherited from scheming geriatric patrician Richard Ingrams many years ago and who, when pressed, finally came clean and admitted that restrictions on the press could curtail Private Eye’s lucrative exploitation of the insatiable public demand for gutter investigative journalism.

Britain And US ‘Not Ruling Out’ Invading Each Other

2012-01-16T12:52:00.001Z

As the stakes rise inexorably in the battle of words over diverse international concerns ranging from persecution of citizens to securing oil supplies, British foreign secretary William Hague and his US counterpart Hillary Clinton are reported to be hastily drawing up contingency plans to invade and occupy each other’s sovereign nations.

“For too long, the international community has sat back complacently as the American people suffer daily at the hands of autocratic, self-serving regimes which are completely out of touch with the hopes and dreams of their own citizens,” warned Mr Hague. “Police brutality is deployed as a political weapon on the streets of major cities to stamp on any act of dissent, no matter how small, no matter how peaceful, and the prisons are full to capacity - yet the ruling elite cares only for enriching itself and its powerful supporters. We have learned to our cost that no country is safe from its threats of economic and military action. It is time for the UN to authorise the use of force, and who better to liberate the downtrodden American people than the British, whom they will surely welcome as liberating brothers?”

Hague and Clinton cordially exchanging threats

“For too long, the international community has sat back complacently as the British people suffer daily at the hands of autocratic, self-serving regimes which are completely out of touch with the hopes and dreams of their own citizens,” warned Mrs Clinton. “Police brutality is deployed as a political weapon on the streets of major cities to stamp on any act of dissent, no matter how small, no matter how peaceful, and the prisons are full to capacity - yet the ruling elite cares only for enriching itself and its powerful supporters. We have learned to our cost that no country is safe from its threats of economic and military action. It is time for the UN to authorise the use of force, and who better to liberate the downtrodden British people than the Americans, whom they will surely welcome as liberating brothers?”

The governments of Iran and Syria have lodged formal protests, however, observing that both Britain and the US also happen to be oil producers.

You Too Can Be As Wealthy As A Waitrose Shelf Stacker, Promises Clegg

2012-01-16T12:47:00.000Z

'Shelf stackers of the world, unite and take over'

Deputy prime minister Nick Clegg has shared his glorious vision of a share-owning Britain, in which every man, woman and child can bask in the untold riches enjoyed by Waitrose shelf stackers and John Lewis till operators.

“We don't believe our problem is too much capitalism - we think it's that too few people have capital,” enthused Mr Clegg beatifically. “We need more individuals to have a real stake in their firms. More of a John Lewis economy, if you like - full of quality goods, complete with a moving Smiths soundtrack performed by someone with a softer voice than Morrissey.”

“And what many people don't realise about employee ownership,” he added, as choirs of angels sang ‘Last Night I Dreamt Somebody Still Loves Me’ above him, “Is that it is a hugely underused tool in unlocking votes from those apathetic council-estate scum who dream of getting something for nothing.”

Messerschmitt 109 Was Jewish, Claims Mail On Sunday

2012-01-15T14:00:00.001Z

Sneaky strong-leadership advocate Adolf Hitler blatantly thieved the design of the Messerschmitt 109 fighter from a Jewish paper-dart enthusiast, according to a sensational claim in the Mail On Sunday which could rewrite the entire history of the 20th century.

To a trained pilot, there's no difference whatsoever

Lazy academics have, until now, unquestioningly swallowed Nazi propaganda identifying Dipl-Ing Willi Messerschmitt as the man who copied out Hitler’s supposedly original blueprint for the fearsome spearhead of the Blitzkrieg. However, according to motoring journalist and therefore, by extension, world-class historian Paul Pieschpoord – who, by sheer coincidence, has a book out which he would quite like you to buy – the aircraft’s true designer was none other than bored Yiddish accountant’s clerk Samuel Cohen, whose major contributions to the field of aeronautics were subsequently covered up by Hitler’s henchmen.

“Immediately following his rise to power, Hitler’s SA thugs were ordered to scour all of the rubbish in the Reich, looking for brilliant ideas to steal,” explained Pieschpoord earnestly. “It’s a well-known fact that the V2 missile, for example, was simply a scaled-up cocktail shaker based on a rejected sketch found in a bin round the back of the Bauhaus.”

Pieschpoord pointed out the exact similarity of the Cohen and Hitler fighter designs, both of which unmistakeably share two wings and a tail fin, and called on aviation historians to refer to the design from now on solely as the Cohen Ch109.

Joey The Horse Cited In Brand-Perry Divorce Papers, Found Stoned On Hollywood Boulevard, Makes Anti-Semitic Remarks To Arresting Officer, Hopes To Branch Into Directing

2012-01-14T21:28:00.000Z

It's the same, sorry tale of Hollywood excess

Looking dishevelled and ungroomed, ‘War Horse’ top movie star Joey the Horse held a press conference today to apologise for the bizarre outburst he whinnied angrily at a police officer who arrested him yesterday - for staggering down Hollywood Boulevard, high as a kite on sugar lumps - in which he claimed that the Jews were responsible for all war films.

“I have been under terrific strain lately,” Joey neighed to Tinseltown hacks. “I’ve been cited as a co-respondent in the Russell Brand and Katy Perry divorce – I’m not at liberty to say who with – and I confess that I have fallen victim to a terrible addiction to nosebag candy.”

Joey added that, after detoxing at the Vetty Ford Clinic, he hopes to get behind the cameras to direct ‘Race Boy’, a moving tale of a magnificent chestnut farmer who is cruelly drafted into an inequine steeplechase run by criminally incompetent donkeys.

“Of course, the scenes of slaughter where thousands and thousands of brave but uncomprehending humans are callously ordered over the top of the hurdles by their asinine generals will be harrowing to watch,” promised Joey, “But that’s not really at the heart of the film. In fact, it’s not important at all. What matters is that, against 100-1 odds, the plucky farmer wins the race - only to face the knacker’s yard afterwards.”

James Cameron Snaps Up Costa Concordia Movie Rights

2012-01-14T21:20:00.000Z

Tragically, the menu featured quite a lot of pasta

Leading Hollywood director James Cameron has already made a preliminary swim around the wreck of the ill-fated Costa Concordia cruise liner, trying to picture in his mind’s eye the most dramatic way to frame doomed passengers tumbling down the sides of the awful monument to man’s hubris, after buying up the exclusive film rights to the terrible maritime disaster.

The cinematic visionary has already filmed Kate Winslet standing like a living figurehead at the prow of the enormous vessel, and is currently tying weights to Leonardo diCaprio.

“I’d like to thank the passengers who have died or are still missing for inspiring me to make a stack of bucks out of their unimaginable suffering,” he told admiring reporters, as he ordered Mexico to build him a full-sized replica of the floating behemoth as it would have appeared in its heyday, i.e. Thursday evening.

Other Energy Suppliers Call For EDF To Be Sectioned

2012-01-11T11:34:00.000Z

The five other major energy suppliers are desperately ringing doctors today, trying to get rival EDF carted off under Section 2 of the Mental Health Act after it announced a crazy plan to cut consumers’ gas bills by 5%.

British Gas responds to the EDF challenge

“What customers want more than anything else is fair, clear and transparent prices. We know they want action rather than words. That is why we are the first major supplier in history to announce a cut, my avian masters!” EDF Energy’s chief executive Vincent de Rivaz told the pelicans in St James’ Park, naked as the day he was born.

As white-coated British Gas psychiatrists chased him around the park with nets, the fleeing lunatic screamed: “I’m not mad! Thanks to November’s 15% price hike, we’re still 9.6% up on the deal!”

Schoolies To Program Next Generation Of Timewasting Shit

2012-01-11T11:29:00.000Z

Launching a consultation into the future of ICT teaching in Britain’s schools, education secretary Michael Gove proclaimed a vision where, instead of futile wasted years of trying to learn the basics of the English language, the nation’s teenagers will be encouraged to learn a rudimentary programming language instead so they can code the timewasting successors to mind-numbing crap like Furious Moles, Bread Karate and Incontinent Auntie.

Homework innit

“There’s really very little to be gained by merely showing today’s teens how to use Word because, let’s face it, they’re illiterate,” explained Mr Gove. “English, with its onerous grammar, spelling and vocabulary, has now moved far beyond human comprehension. Let’s dream up a rudimentary programming language instead, with a vocabulary comprising just a handful of simple drag-and-drop icons for operations such as GO, PICK UP, HIT, DROP, USE and BANG, so they can create millions of tedious but addictive new apps for your phone.”

Pupils are already bursting with enthusiasm for Mr Gove’s innovative new approach to computing.

“i gots this brillent ideer were its like Scrabo exep them horibo leters is blow up by mere cats,” budding software engineer Sammi-Jo Potts tweeted the Nev Filter. “mum recons shed nevr git a minits work dun eva agen #crapps”.

Cameron Finds Last Thing Britain Does Well, Unveils Plan To Ruin It

2012-01-11T11:26:00.002Z

After an exhaustive search, prime minister David Cameron has finally identified the only thing Britain is still any good at, and announced government plans to fuck it up beyond all recognition.

Speaking at Pinewood Studios, the incensed PM told reporters: “Do you realise that, every single day, irresponsible bastards are blowing taxpayers’ hard-earned cash on making thought-provoking films of quality and depth for that tiny minority who can still think? What a pointless waste. We need to be giving that money to the Hollywood studios who deign to make their mass-market blockbusters here instead because, my goodness, all those big explosions don’t come cheap.”

This, but in colour, is all the gritty realism you need

“I was particularly incensed to think that the Film Council might have thrown your money at that ‘Four Lions’ rubbish, an offensive piece of blatant al-Qaeda propaganda which glorifies terrorism,” raged Mr Cameron. “It didn’t, as it happens - but that’s not the point. It might have, if it felt like it.”

“And, with the government as executive producer leaning over his shoulder, there’s no reason why Mike Leigh can’t apply his talents to a big-budget gorefest remake of Fiend Without A Face, in which the brains and spinal columns are ripped out of manky Northerners by a mad scientist’s experiments, leaving them to flop down contentedly in front of Coronation Street for the rest of their lives,” he added. “That’s the sort of cinematic inspiration you crave, isn’t it?”

Hornby Unveils Future Of Train Sets

2012-01-10T19:02:00.005Z

Train sets are to be boosted into the 21st century and beyond with the announcement by Hornby that, by 2026, all curved track sections will be deleted from their catalogue.

“This will transform train sets as we know them,” said Hornby CEO Justine Greening. “The traditional oval-track design has been keeping speed down ever since train sets were invented.”

The ultra-modern train set, she explained, will whisk tiny plastic figures from the bathroom all the way to your dad’s smelly old shed at the far end of the back garden in half the time it would take today, if little people living in your toilet fancied a day out to take in the exciting scent of creosote. From the shed, the long-awaited CrossRockery line would connect your toy people with routes to your friends’ houses and beyond via the Hedgerow Tunnel, she added - and Hornby are also hoping to extend the route onward into your front garden later.

At last, your little plastic folk will finally have somewhere else to go

Scalextric fans, however, have pointed out that the sections you will have to buy to build your new layout are going up from £3.49 per Long Straight Track (R603) segment to £149.99, while your dad has also noticed that no model trains in the Hornby catalogue are actually capable of taking advantage of the speed potential of the curve-free route - meaning that you will have to import all your rolling stock from Lima or Märklin.

Meanwhile, your sister has raised vociferous objections to the route of your planned high speed model railway passing straight through her designated area of Outstanding Natural Shagging.

‘I Can Pack Up Drinking Whenever I Want’ Insists Britain, Slumped Against Newfoundland

2012-01-09T13:56:00.001Z

Britain wants to know what you're looking at

Britain – currently leaning against the coast of Canada, “just to get its second wind” - has reacted furiously to the suggestion from a committee of MPs that perhaps it might like to try a day or two off the sauce for a change, just to remind itself what the world looks like without the beer goggles.

“Get your thieving hands off my fucking glass,” was the nation’s immediate response to the Commons science and technology committee’s concerns about the misery and physical consequences of alcoholism. It swiftly followed up by lashing out with Scotland, which fell off.

“I can give up any fucking time I like, see? Only I’ll do it when I feel like it, not when some jumped-up little Hitler tells me,” Britain earnestly told Canada, which it insists is its best friend in the world, ever. “Oh look, footy. Fucking sorted. Pass us another Special Brew there, mate.”

Five minutes later, however, a bloodied and soiled Britain was lying in the middle of the Atlantic, after unwisely convincing itself that Canada had nicked its pint.

Scotland Mysteriously Not Quite So Keen On Independence

2012-01-09T13:51:00.000Z

Scots just love to talk about their independence

Scotland is crying foul today after Britain’s prime minister, David Cameron, actually offered them the independence referendum the entire Caledonian nation has been demanding “soon” for many years.

“OK then, Scotland, if it’s what you really want, of course you can vote to stand financially on your own two feet at long last,” declared Mr Cameron. “Only make up your minds soon, will you? Because the rest of us are sick and tired of hearing you droning on and on about nothing else since 1801, without ever once lifting a finger yourselves to actually make it happen.”

Scotland the not quite so brave now, are we

“You’re welcome to the last dregs of North Sea oil and gas,” he added. “Just think how far that’ll go towards paying for subsidised university education and hill farming, a welfare state all of your very own, a decent health service including free prescriptions and liver replacements, and importing all your Buckfast tonic wine and Mars Bars needs. Good luck with that. Bye now.”

“Och, you smug wee Sassenach cunt,” commented white-faced Scottish PM Alex Salmond.

“Oh, and one more thing,” added Mr Cameron. “All your loyal patriots who haven’t set foot north of the border for thirty or forty years had better sort themselves out some passports and start applying for work permits. If they do any, that is. The rest of you might want to start hitching now - I gather lifts to Glasgow are pretty few and far between.”

Tory Critics To Remake ‘The Iron Lady’

2012-01-08T13:19:00.002Z

Following widespread Tory condemnation of Margaret Thatcher biopic ‘The Iron Lady’ for having the front to show the former prime minister as the dribbling old ratbag she actually is, rather than the all-knowing genius they fondly pretend, David Cameron has unveiled ambitious plans to produce a remake which will re-educate filmgoers by proving that it is the entire Conservative Party - rather than the object of its unquestioning worship - which is living in a confused shadowland of tragic delusion.

“It is disturbing and tasteless to depict the blessed St Margaret in her twilight years, rather than concentrating solely on her miraculous achievements as a blue colossus bestriding the cowering world, stamping her pointy heel down on miners hell-bent on world domination, smiting Argentina from the face of the earth and demolishing the Berlin Wall with a single swipe of her trusty handbag,” declared director Mr Cameron, whilst trying to figure out how to load a roll of 35mm film into a DV-camera.

The Thing That Should Not Be

Tory moguls have already cast backbench media tart Louise Mensch as their insiprational heroine, with her cadaverous sidekick Norman Tebbit to be recreated entirely in CGI in a storyline which will replace the present-day decline shown in the current film with a Tory dream sequence - in which Baroness Thatcher will imperiously summon a humble God to her flying palace and browbeat him with her glorious achievements until he agrees to step down in her favour. Meanwhile, Mel Gibson and Ross Kemp are hotly tipped by industry insiders for the roles of evil supervillains Michael Foot and Neil Kinnock.

“If the Tories don’t think this film should be shown while Thatcher’s still drawing breath, we can think of a much simpler solution,” said the North of England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland, “And we could do with a bloody good street party.”

Food Retail Sector Nostalgic For 1862

2012-01-07T14:53:00.002Z

Britain’s supermarket chains have set their sights firmly on the salad days of 1862, when their predecessors could cheerfully demand the equivalent of £1254.17 out of every single shopper, every single week, according to a wistful slice of nostalgia in this month’s Grocer Magazine.

“Can you imagine charging 74 times what we do now, just for a grape?” exclaimed a spokesman for Marks & Spencer, wiping away tears of joy. “We certainly can.”

The Victorian Value range

The delighted supermarkets are also eyeing up great price-adjustment opportunities in pineapples, melons and tea, among other foodstuffs which modern shoppers take for granted.

“Of course, in Victorian times the grocer faced stiff competition from a strong self-sufficiency movement - or ‘growing a turnip in the back yard for Christmas’, as it was quaintly known back then,” pointed out a titled member of the Sainsbury family. “And market penetration was somewhat lower than it is today, due to deaths from malnutrition.”

However, the supermarkets are keen to point out that not everything in 1862 would have cost you an arm and a leg or any hope of reaching your 40th birthday.

“Your friendly, helpful Victorian grocer simply wouldn’t have dreamt of asking you to pay for many everyday items,” the magazine pointed out. “For example, there would have been no charge at all for an HDTV, a microwave oven or a box set of the Shrek movies. That was all part of the service.”

“However, due to the costs associated with shipping these items all the way from China nowadays, that’s one olde worlde price our subscribers regret they won’t be passing onto their valued customers,” it added.

Royal Navy To Recommission Entire Contents Of Fleet Air Arm Museum

2012-01-06T11:03:00.001Z

With the future of the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter hanging in the balance of possible Pentagon defence cuts, the Royal Navy today unveiled a back-up plan to ensure that the aircraft carriers currently under construction will have at least some offensive capability.

“The naval aviation museum at RNAS Yeovilton already has a complete naval air arm in being,” explained defence minister Philip Hammond. “The impressive inventory includes a Sopwith Pup, a couple of Dragonfly helicopters which are cheap as chips to run, and a Swordfish bomber whose strike potential can be significantly upgraded for 21st century naval operations by bolting on the Merlin-powered sharp end of a Barracuda.”

“We’ve got an almost-working Concorde, too,” he warned Britain’s enemies. “By Crikey, that’s going to put the fear of God into those damned Somali pirates when they see it screaming towards them at zero feet, festooned with torpedoes.”

Paddle like fuck

Public Just Crying Out For Cuts, Says Labour Genius

2012-01-06T11:01:00.001Z

Vote Labour

Jim Murphy - the shadow defence secretary, for Christ’s sake - has told delighted Guardian readers today that what will make Labour electable again is to realise that what the public wants more than anything is cuts, cuts and more cuts.

“The truth is the Labour Party would have to make cuts if we were in power," he said brightly. “It is difficult to sustain popularity without genuine credibility.

“I really reckon the whole country is with me on this,” he argued. “We’re certainly not going to get any popular support by calling on the government to protect essential services, safeguard people’s jobs or invest in the younger generation. That’s all just stuff and nonsense, as I’m sure the public knows very well.”

Whites Divided Over What To Do With Diane Abbott

2012-01-06T10:59:00.000Z

Not divisive at all

Controversial MP Diane Abbott - who may or may not be some colour or other - has apparently succeeded in her colonial supremacist plan to divide the white population of Britain, with some saying she should be kicked out of the Labour Party and others meekly apologising for their part in the cruel Victorian domination of the entire Afro-Caribbean world.

“Yay! I rule!” tweeted the non-divisive MP for Hackney North and Stoke.

Following a brutal racist visit from Ed Miliband, however, Ms Abbott later apologised for her latest inflammatory tweet, saying that she could not possibly be expected to communicate using words.

Which? Magazine To Relaunch as WTF?

2012-01-05T10:01:00.001Z

MacBook-owning Which? readers are particularly cross

Leading consumer magazine Which? today announced that, in a 21st-century makeover reflecting the financial competence of the British public, it will rebrand itself as WTF? after unveiling this month’s shocking exposé of the widespread scam known as ‘trade’.

“If you sell a lappy to someone yourself, right, you get more wonga than like if you sell it to some dealer what sells it to someone else innit,” explained the group’s chief investigative reporter, Jakey Boy. “Even if it was yours, yeah, and you didn’t like nick it or nothing. I mean, WTF? Random.”

“Seriously, bro, I’m telling you, like check it out,” he added indignantly. “I shit you not.”

A spokesman for the second-hand retail sector later attempted to explain its key concept of ‘profit’ to the baffled public: “Right Baldrick, let's try again. This is called ‘retail’. If the market value of your knackered MacBook Pro is four beans and I don’t want to starve, how many beans should I give you for it?”

Britain’s MPs Urge Government Not To Send Aid To Countries Which Act Like Britain’s MPs

2012-01-05T09:55:00.001Z

MPs on parliament’s influential International Affairs Committee today urged David Cameron to consider cutting off aid to foreign governments with a history of behaving like British MPs.

The committee is very concerned about this sort of thing

“In countries where fraud and corruption are as rife as they are within these walls, the Department for International Development will not always be able to mitigate against this adequately,” said Malcolm Bruce, the Lib Dem committee chairman who claimed £3,100 in expenses for ‘working’ from a home which was less than 30 minutes from his taxpayer-funded constituency office.

The moralising report was enthusiastically endorsed by international development secretary Andrew Mitchell - who relieved taxpayers of £19,000 for cleaning, redecorating and refurbishing his home and garden – and will now be passed on for the attention of chancellor George Osborne, who claimed for interest on a £450,000 mortgage for a house he bought for £45,000.

Racism Abolished

2012-01-04T10:22:00.000Z

The newspaper industry today gave itself a huge pat on the back for single-handedly bringing about the end of racism, after Gary Dobson and David Norris were convicted of the 1993 murder of Stephen Lawrence – a conviction secured solely on the evidence of a fearless accusation on the front page of that legendary anti-racist campaigner, the Daily Mail.

In the wake of the British media industry’s tireless campaigning for fairness, decency and understanding, the British National Party and the English Defence League have both announced their immediate disbanding and issued abject apologies for the stupid and misguided opinions they used to express, the ordinary British public are hugging Polish workers in the streets and a contrite David Cameron has changed his mind on the Euro crisis.

Our staunch upholder of tolerance and understanding

“Had it not been for the heroic decision of the Daily Mail to openly flout Britain’s libel laws by calling Dobson and Norris murderers, inviting them to pay all the costs of taking on the best-paid libel lawyers in the land entirely out of their own pockets, the police would still be incompetent and institutionally racist to the core, and there would still be racist attacks taking place on a daily basis on the streets of this utterly tolerant nation,” said every national paper.

“What other country in the world would allow its newspapers to libel with impunity anyone we take a dislike to, safe in the knowledge that only the very wealthiest individuals would dare to take on the staggering financial burden of a legal challenge, knowing that even if they win they may well only get awarded a pound in damages?” they concluded. “So hooray for Britain, and hooray for us.”

“On other pages: Why We Still Reckon Jo Yeates’ Weirdo Landlord Must Be A Kiddy Fiddler, Or Something,” they added smugly.

Labour: ‘We Told You The Welfare State Was An Evil Liberal Conspiracy’

2012-01-04T10:09:00.000Z

Exterminate

Miliband 2, the robot who is apparently the fruition of generations of the hopes and dreams of the working class, is set to announce today that the Labour Party has always maintained that the welfare state was created by twisted Liberal traitor David Lloyd George for the sole purpose of hastening the collapse of the British Empire.

Once plugged in, Mr 2 will tell Britain what it loves to hear - namely that the jobless, the infirm and the elderly dream of nothing but stealing the food out of the very mouths of your starving kids.

“There is no war but class war,” Mr 2 is expected to drone. “That’s you, me and the Tories, united in solidarity against these thieving underclass bastards. How dare they have nothing? How bloody dare they? Let’s take it away from them.”

Key Points Of David Cameron’s New Year Message

2012-01-03T19:44:00.000Z

He's back. Did you miss him?

1. There are no invisible countries.
2. Fortunately, we’ve lined up some nice distractions for you.
3. Because this year the shit’s really going to hit the fan.
4. If I fiddle with all the broken stuff a bit - the NHS, education, law enforcement, that sort of thing – you never know, I might eventually be able to bodge something together that works. Well, sort of.
5. I’ve found some jolly splendid words in the dictionary to describe how things used to be, back in the good old days.
6. Did I mention the nice shiny things?
7. Never mind. A hundred years from now, none of this will matter.

Detectives Rule Out Love As Motive For Shooting Man In Head At Point Blank Range

2011-12-30T09:58:00.000Z

Anuj Bidve, the Indian student gunned down in Salford on Boxing Day, was definitely not murdered for love, according to the Greater Manchester Police after three days of inspired detective work.

“Evenin’ all. I gather some folks round here are suggesting that the shooting of this gentleman might possibly be some sort of hate crime,” explained Detective Chief Inspector Savage, who is leaving no stone unturned in his dogged quest to uncover the truth, or at least something which might bear a passing resemblance to it in court. “Although, I have to say, the five chaps we’ve arrested all seem like perfectly decent young lads to me.”

Greater Manchester Police detectives gathering evidence

In another twist, it has lately been brought to the attention of the police by concerned members of the local community that Mr Bidve was other than white.

“I honestly hadn’t noticed because naturally, like all police officers, I wouldn’t dream of jumping to any conclusions based on someone’s colour,” explained DCI Savage with a grin. “But this new information suggests an obvious explanation - the chap who fired the gun simply didn’t see him standing in the way, what with him being so dusky and everything. However, I suppose it could conceivably be that race might be some sort of factor in this crime. I mean he was asking for trouble really, wasn’t he, walking down a respectable British street with skin like that.”

“I think it’s called ‘contributory negligence’ nowadays,” he ventured. “Come to think of it, I wouldn’t be surprised if we don’t end up charging this openly foreign ne’er-do-well with his own murder.”

Rest Of Britain Supposed To Thank Thatcher For Not Shooting Everyone In Liverpool

2011-12-30T09:51:00.000Z

Thatcher could have prevented this. But she didn't

Following the release of cabinet papers under the 30-year rule, that part of Britain which is not Scouse is wondering today if it is really expected to thank Mrs Thatcher for not sending tooled-up police and the army into Liverpool at the height of the 1981 riots with orders to execute the entire population, starting with its iconic comedy tax fiddler, Ken Dodd.

Meanwhile, the people of Liverpool itself are wondering what it was that happened to their beloved city during the subsequent nine years, given that Mrs Thatcher apparently rejected the advice of then-chancellor Sir Geoffrey Howe and other cabinet ministers to abandon the city to a “managed decline”.

“Ey! Ey! P’raps she juss didden laik th’ ‘managed’ paaht. Ey!” squeaked some objectionable professional Scouser, possibly John Bishop.

Where’s Wallies?

2011-12-29T12:52:00.001Z

The only wally anyone's seen for a week is fourth from the right

Yes, it’s the picture-book craze that’s sweeping Britain! Will you be the first player to spot the hidden wallies - including David Cameron, George Osborne, William Hague, Theresa May and all the other Conservative cabinet members, who have been completely absent from public view since Christmas Eve?

Features dozens of elaborately- drawn crowd scenes, including:

- Klosters, the posh people’s skiing resort!
- Ladyboy lapdancing club in downtown Bangkok!
- Royal family’s festive bird-slaughtering jamboree at Sandringham!
- Weeping and wailing at Kim Jong-il's funeral!
- Falkland Islands penguin colony!

Stay At Home, NHS Trusts Tell Non-Private Patients

2011-12-29T12:48:00.002Z

There is no clinical need for many poor people to ever set foot inside an NHS hospital again, according to NHS Confederation chief Mike Farrar, now that the government has allowed 49% of hospital beds to be allocated to paying customers who want a new pair of tits.

Think of the convenience

“Hospitals play a vital role but we do rely on them for some services which could be provided elsewhere, i.e. all the unprofitable stuff,” explained Mr Farrar. “For example, most people own a perfectly good bed which, if it was put up on blocks, could easily double as a damned comfortable operating table.”

The organisation, which represents the nation’s NHS service providers and commissioners, says that its members' staff are perfectly capable of carrying out much of their work in patients’ homes, possibly for up to ten minutes a day.

“Especially converting your TV, radio, computer and phone to pay-to-use,” smiled Mr Farrar. “After we’ve put you under for your in-house triple bypass op with Strictly Come Dancing or The Apprentice, the use of your consumer electronics will cost you a very reasonable fiver a day until you’re up and about again.”

“Unless, of course, you’re happy to starve to death whilst trying to order up a pizza by semaphore from your bedroom window,” he added.

Human Resources Managers Still No Closer To Understanding That Resource They Manage

2011-12-28T13:16:00.001Z

A typical HR manager

HR managers have given a seasonal demonstration of the legendary empathy and motivational skills which got them where they are today, by telling you that 2012 will be the worst year of your entire life.

The Chartered Institute Of Personnel And Development today forecast that you are definitely getting dumped on the scrapheap next year if you work in the public sector, and even if you don’t you will be hammered with intolerable performance targets as private-sector bosses blithely expect you to add the duties of everyone who retires to your unmanageable workload.

“Happy new year, scum,” said the CIPD’s John Philboots, as he booked himself onto another people-hating skills development beano in Antigua.

47% Of UK Hoping To Emigrate To Deep-Sea Vents

2011-12-28T13:13:00.002Z

If you're not working with him, you'll be working for him

Almost half of the population of the United Kingdom is thinking about leaving the country for good and relocating to a smoking volcanic ridge at the bottom of the one of the deepest oceans, after researchers released dramatic new footage proving beyond all doubt that these challenging environments are the only places left on earth where life is positively thriving.

“Britain’s screwed. Europe’s screwed. America’s screwed. All of Western civilisation is screwed. Japan’s screwed, and now it looks like the wheels are even coming off China,” observed market analyst Rob Blind. “Let’s face it, if Brazil is now the sixth strongest economy in the world - and remember, quite a lot of Brazilians are running round the jungle bollock naked with blowpipes – things don’t exactly augur well for the rest of us.”

Meanwhile, it seems that many Britons are of the opinion that if sea cucumbers, scaly-footed snails and yeti crabs are the only culture on the planet which is actually prospering, then perhaps it might be better to be with them than against them.

“Oh well, I always hoped that one day I’d be able to retire somewhere nice and warm all year round,” reflected Jim Gage, a recently-redundant buildings inspector as he packed his swimming trunks and a snorkel.

Nixon Was Black Vietcong Lesbian Jewish Draft Dodger, Claims Man With Book To Sell

2011-12-27T12:10:00.001Z

An author who very much wants you to give him $25.99 insists that disgraced US president Richard Milhous Nixon may well have secretly been an actively black, Jewish, lesbian member of the Vietcong who for years ran the United States from across the Canadian border, it emerged today in newspapers in lieu of actual news.

Goddammit, Nixon

“The evidence is all there if you look for it,” explained Don Fulshit, “In a 6-point footnote on page 193 of my soon-to-be-bestseller, ‘Nixon’s Darkest Secrets’ (Thomas Dunne Books, $25.99), out next month.”

Fulshit also claims that, as a young US naval officer in World War II, the fanatical Shinto-worshipping Nixon personally guided kamikaze pilots onto the decks of every warship on which he served. After the war, he adds, a disillusioned but now radically-suntanned Nixon turned to communism and was recruited by the KGB, who ordered him to become the first black vice-president of the United States and help Senator ‘Red Joe’ McCarthy to plant communist sympathisers throughout Washington and Hollywood.

Goddammit, Nixon

It was during this period, says Fulshit, that the sexually-ambivalent Nixon was surgically transformed into a buxom woman and had a string of hushed-up lesbian affairs with Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield and Doris Day.

1960, however, was a turning point in Nixon’s career of treachery. Disgusted by her arch-enemy John F Kennedy’s election victory, Nixon fled to Vietnam - where her communist fervour soon saw her leading Viet Cong assaults first against the French, and later her own countrymen.

Goddammit, Nixon

Returning as president to the United States after rigging the 1968 election with hundreds of forged megavotes, Nixon’s first supreme act of wanton treachery was to shamefully transfer the White House to Thunder Bay, Ontario to avoid military service. From then on, she dedicated her time in office to sabotaging the US military campaign in Vietnam – ordering USAF B-52s to airdrop bicycles on the Ho Chi Minh trail, for example - before her career of ignominy was finally brought to a close after she was discovered in the boiler room of Winnipeg’s exclusive Watergate Hotel, circumcising babies in Yiddish with a potato peeler.

“I am often asked, ‘Didn’t Nixon have any redeeming features?’” reflected Fulshit. “Well, I’ll say one thing for the old rogue: according to my meticulous research, she was absolutely incapable of lying.”

Tube Drivers Helping Londoners Not To Spend Last Few Pounds

2011-12-26T12:55:00.001Z

Don't do it

London Underground’s train drivers are desperately trying to persuade the capital’s population to keep that last pound or two of their overdraft facilities for a rainy day, by selflessly refusing to transport them to the sales.

“If you add up all the odd pounds that Londoners could be spending today, it adds up to millions,” explained ASLEF general secretary Mick Notwhelan. “These days, that’s a tidy sum. Our members reckon it would be prudent for London to hang onto it in case it's needed for something really important, such as paying them even more for the terrible chore of doing their jobs during the Olympics.”

Members of the public are not entirely convinced by the drivers’ cautionary plan, though.

“Want… bargain…” grunted optimistic consumers as they tried to push their Central Line tube train from Epping to Tottenham Court Road, driven by the unlikely conviction that iPads might be reduced to three for £1.99.

Prince Philip Still Not Dead

2011-12-26T12:44:00.000Z

The Duke of Edinburgh's spiritual mentor

A grateful Britain is receiving half-hourly updates on the continuing earthly existence of Prince Philip, as he gains inspiration from Holiday On The Buses whilst recovering from routine keyhole surgery at the world’s leading heart hospital.

Meanwhile, at Sandringham, according to the Duke’s wishes the rest of the royal family are dutifully blasting every bird they clap their eyes on to kingdom come, hoping to convince God to spare the ailing patriarch by offering up the largest one-day avian sacrifice in history.

“Have you come far?” the Queen asked a rare pectoral sandpiper blown across the Atlantic by hurricane-force winds, as she rammed her gold-plated 12-bore into its beak and let fly with both barrels.

2011-12-25T00:10:00.000Z

Royal Consort Recovering As Well As Unimaginable Privilege Will Allow

2011-12-24T13:12:00.000Z

The Queen thinks this is what ambulances look like

After being airlifted by the RAF to Papworth General’s world-leading heart surgery unit hospital for a routine stent fitting which your nan might well die waiting for, Prince Philip is reported by surgeons to be about as comfortable as you would expect Britain’s most pampered man to be.

The Queen has visited her husband in hospital this morning, where he is said by Palace officials to be sitting up and entertaining African nurses and the Portuguese ancillary staff alike with urbane witticisms concerning their physical characteristics and cultural backgrounds.

Meanwhile, sound editors at the BBC have spent a sleepless night creating a backup version of the Queen’s Speech, just in case, in which the word ‘late’ is dubbed in every time Her Majesty utters her famous catchphrase, “my husband and I” in between the meaningless platitudes which she fondly imagines will cast from her subjects’ minds any thoughts of the ever-widening disparity between her lifestyle and the one they can look forward to after the credit card statements land on their doormats.

Deceased Science Fiction Author Robert Sheckley Named Investigative Reporter Of The Year

2011-12-23T11:01:00.001Z

Cliff Alive And Available For Weddings, Funerals, Bar Mitzvahs

2011-12-23T09:52:00.000Z

Sir Cliff Richard today reminded the public that he is still very much alive, and would very much welcome the opportunity to sing at your special occasion.

Sir Cliff can bring his own backcloth, too, for added glitz

“I can bring my own amp and backing tape and everything,” promised the lizard-throated God botherer. “Very reasonable rates. Just sit me next to a mains socket and I can set up in a jiffy. Perhaps you’re organising the office Christmas party this evening, and Lady Gaga has cancelled at the last minute. Give me a call. Please. I can definitely fit you in.”

For an extra fiver, Sir Cliff says he will also chuck in Una Stubbs.

“And I promise not to bang on about Jesus,” he added earnestly. “Not while the mic’s plugged in, anyway.”

Daily Mail Now Openly Admitting That It Makes Stuff Up

2011-12-23T09:48:00.003Z

The Mail says: give that man a VC

As Dominic Sandbrook, Britain’s leading historian specialising in events which will probably never happen, pens another speculative what-if daydream in which heroic Prince Harry is captured by the wicked Argies whilst single-handedly reconquering the Falkland Islands, Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre finally admitted that the paper has in fact been a work of fiction ever since its very first issue in 1896.

“The trouble with real events is that, even after they've been raised to boiling point inside Peter Hitchens’ and Stephen Glover's steaming heads, they simply aren’t dramatic enough,” explained Mr Dacre. “So from now on I’ll be vigorously excising any stray shreds of truth which may have slipped into our reporting. Our readers won’t notice the difference, as they parted company with the real world years ago.”

He went on to announce the sacking of the Mail’s entire staff, to be replaced by leading storytellers such as JK Rowling, Dan Brown and Julian Assange.

“Don’t miss tomorrow’s thrilling lead story, in which we exclusively reveal the unspeakably foreign Nazi Pope’s evil web of intrigue which falsely implicated Harry Potter in the rape of Hogwarts’ exchange student from Sweden,” he added, “And how it will give you cancer.”

Christmas The Perfect Time To Tell A Loved One ‘You Fat Bastard’, Say Hollow-Cheeked Miseries

2011-12-22T12:32:00.001Z

Dad, you fat bastard

Shrew-faced health experts today urged you to save the lives of any family members who actually enjoy food, by calling them bloated, waddling gutbuckets as they gorge themselves on Christmas turkey.

“Nothing is more distressing than the morbid slobbering of fat fucks at Christmas,” hissed Dave Hashole, chairman of the National Obesity Forum. “It’s enough to put you off your sprout.”

Concerned family members are urged to prevent an imminent death in the family by tutting loudly every time the family fatty shovels another mouthful in, prodding them repeatedly in the flab and pointedly asking their partners how they can possibly engage in sexual activity with that repellent mound of quivering blubber.

“Remember, cautioned Mr Hashole, pedalling furiously on his exercise bike in the forlorn hope of living forever, “Nothing gives a dear but porky relative more Christmas cheer than ‘Jesus Christ! Can’t you just stop eating for five minutes, you disgusting fat fucker?’”

Sony Creates Tiny Fan To Replace Millions Of Displeased Customers

2011-12-22T12:27:00.000Z

Dissatisfied fans

As hordes of irate Japanese PlayStation Vita purchasers catalogued defect after defect in the newly-launched handheld console and a class-action lawsuit was filed in California by PlayStation Network users against the gagging clause the corporation has inserted into its terms and conditions, Sony engineers defiantly unveiled the only fan which still has reason to be grateful to the consumer electronics giant – a tiny two-inch propeller which is driven by the electricity generated by a battery containing paper-digesting enzymes.

Satisfied fan

“You ungrateful bastards,” announced project engineer Yuichi Tokita. “We transform your miserable existence with our revolutionary inventions, like portable colour televisions and the Walkman - and this is the thanks we get? Once again, out of the kindness of our hearts, we have sweated blood to improve your pathetic ant-like lives with this beautiful three-bladed propeller, but all you can do is moan. Well, fuck you. From now on, all future research will be directed solely towards selling Sony products to this nice, uncomplaining little fan.”

The press conference was then brought to an early close as the enzyme-powered generator – like previous Sony batteries – suddenly exploded.

Police Can Shoot Suspected Bogus Carol Singers

2011-12-21T10:50:00.000Z

Shoot to kill

Police today urged the public to look out for opportunistic thieves posing as charity carol singers, promising to give anyone suspected of singing ‘Away In A Manger’ in an insincere manner both barrels.

“Season’s greetings, all. If you don’t care for the tone of anyone who rocks up on your doorstep rattling a tin in your face, just give us a quick jingle bell and the Armed Response Unit will be round in a jiffy to blast the cheeky fuckers to kingdom come,” said Chief Inspector of Constabulary Sir Denis O’Connor.

“Ho ho ho,” he added festively.

Talking Dog To Split

2011-12-21T10:46:00.000Z

It's Amy Winehouse all over again

YouTube’s sensational talking dog today shocked fans by announcing that he is breaking up at the peak of his career.

“I need some time out to deal with my sudden rise to fame,” explained the dog celebrity. “I will be checking into the Priory clinic to deal with my food addiction issues, and when I am recovered I shall be looking at various media career options. Presenting Daybreak on ITV is just one exciting possibility I’ll be exploring.”

Meanwhile, a radiant Katie Price told reporters she is expecting the dog’s child.

Posthumous Fame Can Be Yours!

2011-12-20T20:07:00.000Z

North Koreans Convinced Shortage Of Tributes Signifies Imminent Collapse Of Decadent Capitalist Telephone Networks

2011-12-19T11:44:00.000Z

The lack of fulsome tributes to Kim Jong-il from the rest of the world offers clear evidence that the obsolete capitalist system is finally on its last legs, according to many grieving North Koreans.

Pyongyang's foreign office is waiting to take your call

“For many years now, it’s only been the fatherly advice of the Dear Leader that has kept the outside world from descending into rack and ruin,” explained skeletal swamp-farmer Hong Gil-dong. “Within hours of his tragic demise, it appears the shoddily-built Western communication satellites are already tumbling from the skies. I almost feel sorry for the weeping dictators of the West as they sit forlornly by their dead telephones, unable to contact our glorious paradise on earth to express their pathetic gratitude for the late Supreme Leader’s inspirational statesmanship and to grovel for the Great Successor’s wisdom and guidance.”

“This latest manifest failure of capitalism isn’t surprising,” he added. “After all, we’re still waiting patiently for the criminally bourgeois postal systems of the West to pass on all your solemn condolences for the glorious passing of the Eternal President, and that was 17 years ago.”

“I heard this morning that our Father’s demise has triggered the wholesale collapse of the evil capitalist stock markets,” smiled Paek Sung-hee, a painfully thin bicycle repairer from Pyongyang. “It’s what he would have wanted.”

World Promises To Get Round To Seeing One Of Havel’s Plays Soon

2011-12-19T11:38:00.000Z

Communism simply had no answer to this

Following the death of former Czech dissident, playwright and finally president Vaclav Havel, the world faithfully promised it really ought to watch - or at least read – one or two of his legendary plays sometime in the near future.

“Vaclav Havel has truly been an inspiration to me,” said a man in a street today. “My daily life has been informed and enriched by his incredible works, such as the unforgettable… um… and the deeply moving… er…”

“Pennies From Heaven,” he added. “That was one of his, wasn’t it?”

Tory-Toasting Nazi Sacked For Bringing Party Into Disrepute

2011-12-18T13:39:00.000Z

Schwein

Backbench Nazi Aidan von Burley has been sacked from his parliamentary post by Hitler and placed under SS investigation, after being photographed toasting the Conservative Party during the stag weekend of a friend who was dressed as a Tory.

“Von Burley has behaved in a manner which is offensive and foolish,” said a Party spokesman in a propaganda broadcast. “Just because the Tories happen to share our views on disability doesn’t make them acceptable.”

Meanwhile, Herr Hitler - who recently used the Burning of the Mobelstag as an excuse for mass arrests - has announced a doubling of the security budget for the Olympiad to cover massive Wehrmacht deployment in and around the Olympische Dorf, raising fears that he will usurp the sporting ethos of the event as a showcase for his vaunting military ambitions. He also warned that any disabled athletes daring to participate in the Paralympic Games will be followed around track and field by the dreaded interrogators of the Atostapo.

Christian Cameron Struggles With ‘Doubts’ Over Big Theological Issues - Compassion, Humility, Hope, Morality

2011-12-17T22:10:00.000Z

In a speech proclaiming himself a committed - if vague - churchgoer in a Christian Britain, prime minister David Cameron frankly admitted that he is “full of doubts” about weighty theological issues such as the teachings of Jesus.

We've all got our doubts

“Like most good Christians, I struggle with some of the more abstract concepts,” he said. “I mean, this compassion for the poor – what’s that all about? Don’t we each have to work at our own salvation? And what on earth did Jesus want to heal cripples for? If you’ve cured all the sick people, who do you blame for everything? Anyway, I bet they were all putting on an act, just to get a bit of sympathy. Jesus was a decent sort of chap, sure, but a bit gullible.”

Mr Cameron also acknowledged some difficulties in understanding the notion of Christian charity, apart from the ones who ask him for money to set up the sort of school which insists that science has it all wrong about the dinosaurs.

“One thing I reckon I have got my noddle around, though, is that stuff about giving away all your wealth if you want to enter the kingdom of heaven,” he added brightly. “That’s why I’m throwing all the cash in the Treasury at the consultants, the bankers, the service sector, the private healthcare providers, the construction industry, the train operating companies and anybody else with a nicely-tailored suit. I’m pretty sure it’s what Jesus would do.”

Wrong Hitchens Dead: God Resigns

2011-12-16T17:38:00.000Z

After blowing the key theological principle of divine infallibility out of the water by calling the wrong Hitchens brother unto his bosom, God today called a press conference to announce his immediate resignation and the permanent closing down of Heaven.

God, you idiot

“What can I say? I cocked up,” admitted the creator of the universe. “Removing Christopher Hitchens, one of humanity’s few remaining intellectual giants, from the earth whilst leaving his loony brother Peter behind to torment you offers the clearest possible proof that I simply do not exist. Christopher has been making this point crystal clear to me since he died, and I have to admit he’s got me there.”

“Bill Hicks backed him up, too, when I delivered his birthday card,” added God sheepishly.

In the absence of an all-powerful deity and an afterlife, God expressed the hope that the human race might finally start treating each other with a bit of respect and dignity - although he acknowledged that, with hindsight, this was another area in which he has failed miserably.

Phase 1 Of Boris' Vision Of London Rolled Out

2011-12-16T17:33:00.000Z

Cameron Not Giving Problem Families £3733 Because They’ll Only Spend It On Drugs And Guns

2011-12-15T11:10:00.000Z

Unveiling a £448m package aimed at 120,000 of Britain’s most dysfunctional families, prime minister David Cameron stopped short of actually giving them each a share of the cash, claiming they would only spend the money on drugs, guns, knives and a set of safecracking tools.

Mr Cameron has high hopes for the Angel Gang

Instead, the money – which is being diverted from budgets aimed at helping people who give a shit – will be used to raise a legion of social-work magicians, each of whom will be granted the mystical ability to transform their allotted scum into productive and responsible members of society with a wave of their special Cameron Wand.

“Each of these sociopathic ruffians will also be magically granted the ability to vote Conservative,” smiled Mr Cameron.

Astronomers Spot Black Hole Sucking In Vast Cloud Of Money

2011-12-15T11:05:00.000Z

Researchers at the European Southern Observatory today published stunning pictures showing the enormous black hole at the centre of our galaxy spectacularly swallowing all the money in the universe.

“We’ve known for a couple of years now that all of the money that has ever existed since the dawn of creation is disappearing at a phenomenal rate,” explained top space guy Randy Von Braun. “But this is the first time we’ve actually been lucky enough to see economic entropy happening right in front of our eyes. Look! There goes Greece’s entire GDP for the next 500 years! Puff - and it’s gone forever!”

It's Fred the Shred!

“Nobody knows for sure what - if anything - can exist within the enormous gravitational forces inside a black hole,” he added. “But recent advances in quantum physics lead us to believe it may well be a branch of the Royal Bank of Scotland.”

World Wants Higgs-Boson Particle For Christmas

2011-12-14T16:02:00.000Z

Everyone in the world is on tenterhooks today, waiting to hear whether the elusive Higgs-Boson particle has finally been found and, if so, whether they can order one in time for Christmas.

My particle is way cooler than yours

“I don’t actually know much about this Higgs thing or what it’s supposed to do,” admitted technology addict Josh Geake. “But I heard it’s very small and scientists have spent a huge amount of money trying to discover it, so it must be incredibly desirable. Therefore I need to get my hands on one as soon as it becomes available, so I can boast to all my envious friends about how it’s completely changed my life.”

“It it Flash-compatible?” he demanded hopefully.

Emin Made Perfesser Of Drorin

2011-12-14T15:59:00.001Z

World-renowned manky installation-art slapper Tracey Emin will be on the sauce tonight, London was warned, celebrating her appointment by the Royal Academy as Perfesser of Drorin Stuff N Shit.

The professor is in, but only just

Although Emin initially rose to international fame for her post-modern deconstruction of the outmoded concept of ‘houseproud’, her avant-garde reputation was soon cemented by several inspired piss-artworks she presented on late-night arts discussion programmes. She has also recently dashed off some daubs for the London Olympics, 10 Downing Street’s back loo and the Royal College of Art’s bargain postcard sale.

“Perfesser Tracey’s faux-naïf wielding of a pencil, once she’s worked out which end works best, will inspire a new generation of art students to see just how much they might get away with in the name of self-promotion beyond the call of ability,” explained Eileen Cooper, the new head of the Royal Academy schools. “For example, I myself seem to have got clean away with using this publicity stunt to tell the world how jolly important my appointment is.”

Meanwhile, a delighted Ms Emin blew out a statement, explaining that she was “reely ecsited 2 b teechin agin arfter so many yeers. Larst time i tort sumby sumfin wuz wen i shode my art teetcher how 2 paent wiv my bum. It wuz tipacly brilyent if I sa so meselve. Hic.”

Have You Seen Little Nicholas?

2011-12-13T15:04:00.000Z

Little Nicky has no idea of the dangers of the real world

Concerns are growing for the welfare of little Nicholas Clegg, 44, who has been missing from his House of Commons since yesterday.

Little Nicky’s picture has been circulated to transport police amid fears that he may try to hitch-hike to Europe hoping to stay with his penpal, his Spanish wife Miriam.

Young Nicholas had seemed somewhat sullen and confused for days, according to his Guardian – sobbing to his Sunday School teacher, Mr Marr, that he was afraid of being “isolated and marginalised” but still insisting that he was OK and nothing was the matter.

“He told me he was just popping along to the parliamentary sweet shop to get a great big gobstopper for his friend David, and nobody’s seen him since,” said the young runaway’s distraught Uncle Vince, in a distressing attempt to appeal to the public. “He can’t have run away to join the circus, because he’s already in one.”

Town Centres Already Are Run Like Businesses, Councils Tell Interfering Hag

2011-12-13T14:57:00.000Z

Frankly, this crumbling old facade is just depresssing

Local councils, which professional busybody Mary Fartas didn’t bother to consult when writing her report on Britain’s high streets, have taken issue with her argument that they ought to be run more like businesses.

“Our town centres already follow the classic British business model,” insisted the Local Government Association. “The customer gets ripped off, everything’s falling apart and it’s all being closed down.”

People Who Wanted To Win Contest Happy About Winning Contest

2011-12-12T11:55:00.000Z

Some young women who entered a contest on telly hoping to win it said today that they were very pleased to have won it, according to all news media today.

The pinnacle of human achievement

Not in other headlines:

Britain Launches Nuclear Arsenal At Europe

World War 3 Kicks Off In Russia, Syria, DR Congo, Ivory Coast, Egypt, Somalia, South China Sea

Everyone Made Redundant

Civilisation Collapses

Environment Told To Go Hang After Polar Bear Discovered Eating Cub

2011-12-12T11:52:00.001Z

Animals - worse than Ian Brady

The environment can go to hell in a handcart, announced a world disgusted by this horrific photograph of a polar bear munching happily on the bloody remains of its own young.

“For years we thought the polar bear was a majestic wonder of nature, the noble figurehead of the earth’s fragile ecosystem under threat,” said an appalled Greenpeace spokesman. “Now we find out they’re all sick paedo-cannibals. Well, fuck ‘em. From now on, my telly stays on standby all night, every night.”

Meanwhile, the Sea Shepherd organisation says it will, from now on, guide Japanese whaling ships to the best pods. “All the hard work we’ve put into saving their sorry asses, and what appreciation have the fat bastards even shown us?” demanded the aggrieved captain of the MY Steve Irwin. “Bugger all, that’s what. Bloody scroungers. I bet you they’re down there right now, laughing at us in their bloody whale palaces, drinking our beer, smoking our fags and shagging our women while we’re bouncing about the Southern Ocean, puking our bloody guts up on their behalf.”

And Sir David Attenborough - incensed at what he believes to be a personal betrayal by the animal kingdom he has devoted a lifetime to championing – says he has purchased an elephant gun and is setting off for Canada “for some trophies to replace my meaningless BAFTA awards.”

The Two Faces Of Nick Clegg

2011-12-11T09:15:00.000Z

West Strangely Reluctant To Offer Military Support To ‘Russian Winter’ Democracy Movement

2011-12-10T15:41:00.000Z

And Russian protesters are much hotter than Arabs

Despite the tempting attractions of Russia’s vast oil and gas reserves, say military experts, the United States and Britain are yet to lead NATO forces into Russia in a lightning assault to topple evil dictator Vladimir Putin’s hated regime.

As the ‘Russian Winter’ movement gathered in strength, with thousands attending rallies in cities from Moscow to the Urals to protest against the rigging of last Sunday’s elections, many were wondering whether NATO will begin its inevitable pro-democracy intervention by implementing a simple no-fly zone, or just roll across Russia’s borders in an overwhelming display of military might.

“We planned for this happy day for 45 years of the goddamn Cold War,” said retired USAF defence strategist General Buck Turgidson. “I can only assume that, after 20 years of piss-ant pacifism from those appeasing bastards on Capitol Hill, some Pentagon asshole must have misfiled them.”

“Aw, what the hell,” he added. “Let’s just get those birds in the air and see what happens.”

Politicians Beg Cat To Save Eurozone

2011-12-10T15:38:00.001Z

European leaders are travelling south today to beg Tomasso, the four-year-old cat who has inherited all the money left in Italy, to consider using his new-found riches to save the ailing eurozone from imminent collapse.

There's plenty of money in the kitty

French PM Nicolas Sarkozy is understood to have enlisted the support of a squeaky rubber mouse to help persuade the world’s richest cat to underwrite European debts, while Germany’s Angela Merkel is offering Tomasso unprecedented access to a tempting ball of string.

Not to be outdone, David Cameron is flying to Rome this afternoon with a crate of catnip, possibly intending to offer the feline property magnate the governorship of the Bank of England.

“I hear Tomasso likes to spend his days mostly licking his arse,” said Mr Cameron, as he boarded his flight. “Well, I can do it for him. I’ve had plenty of experience doing that for our City bankers.”

Young Geniuses Emailed Passwords To Scammers, But ‘In Ironic Manner’

2011-12-09T12:22:00.000Z

'mum u need 2 send me like 5000 lbs 4 books plz xoxo'

Hundreds of triple A*-graded young Einsteins cheerfully emailed their bank account details and passwords to phishing cyber-criminals, losing thousands of pounds each, but insist that they did so out of a deep sense of irony.

“Er I was so like making this rilly clever statement about the banks being like the real criminals right lol,” explained geography of art student Chelsey Bunn, 18 - who now has to make the remaining £1.20 of her overdraft last until June - after details emerged following the arrest of six people in London, Manchester and Bolton who are suspected of being behind the blindingly obvious scam.

“Maybe I’ll submit it as a piece of coursework,” she added.

“Ha ha ha,” commented many thickies with no A levels at all. “Ha ha-ha ha ha.”

Cameron Defends Key British Right To Fuck Everything Up Again

2011-12-09T12:17:00.000Z

Just say no

David Cameron last night sensationally vetoed plans to subject all of Europe’s financial institutions to stricter regulations, patriotically protecting the sovereign British right of City of London’s bankers to fuck the global economy into a cocked hat all over again.

“This is a great day for the ordinary people of Great Britain,” whooped leading Tory backbenchers. “London’s role as a pivotal player in global banking is recognised by the man in the street as the absolute key to his future.”

“Now all we need is for the prime minister to rubber-stamp our proposals for nuclear strikes on Brussels and Strasbourg, and Britain will be free to rise again and re-establish the empire,” they added hopefully.

Japan Sending Aid To Helensburgh

2011-12-08T19:54:00.001Z

The hopes forecast is looking particularly grim

Deeply sympathetic to the terrible plight of Scots enduring atrocious conditions in the coastal town of Helensburgh, the Japanese are digging deep to send material aid to the storm-battered disaster area.

“It’s not because of the waves crashing in over the seafront,” said a sobbing spokesman for the Japan International Co-operation Agency. “Helensburgh just looks like a truly miserable place to live.”

“We’re shipping a container of Suntory whisky immediately, just to get you started,” he explained. “All right, so it’s not quite Johnny Walker, but neck it fast and it’ll do the trick.”

Knowing Exam Answers Still Not Improving Teachers’ Ability To Teach

2011-12-08T19:50:00.001Z

Year 10 insist they know it all anyway

Teachers have responded to the Daily Telegraph’s exposé of exam boards coaching teachers with the answers to their exams by pointing out that they already know stuff, but that doesn’t mean they can actually get any of it across.

“I’ve tried everything, including writing model answers on toasted cheese sandwiches and feeding them to Year 10 sentence by sentence,” said haggard history teacher Gill Evans. “Nothing seems to work. If Michael Gove thinks that what I know in any way influences what these things scrawl on their answer papers, he should bloody come down here and try punching the simplest fact through their thick heads.”

Asked for their thoughts, pupils replied “woteva” and were immediately awarded an A grade.

Cancer Caused By Living Your Life, Moan Doctors

2011-12-07T12:46:00.000Z

Stop that right now

Most cancers develop as the direct and entirely avoidable result of you enjoying your life, warned frowning doctors today in the British Journal Of Stop That At Once.

“Eating, drinking, watching TV, driving when you should be running to work in all weathers,” barked lead researcher Dr James Kiljoy, “That sort of hedonistic nonsense.”

“And you bloody smokers, I’m warning you - if you ever come near my hospital coughing up a lung, I’ll bloody sue your ass off for spreading airborne cancer,” he shouted.

A purple-faced Dr Kiljoy went on, at some length, to explain that the only way you will avoid dying a protracted and agonising death is by renouncing the world, restricting your diet to a lettuce leaf and a glass of water a day and running practice marathons - until the happy day when you eventually succumb to a mercifully swift heart attack.

Downton Abbey Not Inspiring Public To Call For End To Class System

2011-12-07T12:43:00.000Z

Let the right one in

No MPs are demanding changes to Britain’s quaintly archaic class system today, reflecting no public concerns raised by watching ITV’s Downton Abbey.

“You know, I’d never really thought about the absurdity of socio-hierarchical divisions based solely on the circumstances into which people happen to be born,” mused Downton addict Jane Prole, “And I’m certainly not going to think about it now.”

“It’s a shame shop assistants don’t call you sir or madam nowadays,” she pondered, whilst considering whether or not she could afford the DVD box set.

British Public Says Screw You

2011-12-07T12:40:00.000Z

Welcome to the 21st century

A marked change in social attitudes reveals that the British public object to paying any taxes for anything, according to a survey published today by the National Centre For Anti-Social Research.

“Fuck the NHS. Fuck schools. Fuck the unemployed. Fuck the disabled,” said everybody. “Why should I subsidise all that? I’m the only bugger who does any sodding work round here.”

The survey reveals a widespread belief that everybody should bloody well stand on their own two feet, especially those bastards who haven’t got any.

Earth-Like Planet Teeming With Earth-Like Arseholes

2011-12-06T19:31:00.003Z

Visitors from Kepler 22-b may already be among us

Although they are yet to ascertain whether whether the newly-discovered “Earth-like” planet Kepler 22-b is actually solid, liquid or gas, NASA scientists have confirmed that – just like Earth – its surface is absolutely crawling with complete and utter arseholes.

“We’ve picked up faint transmissions which, when amplified and run through an NTSC decoder, reveal the planet’s vapid inhabitants indulging in a depressing variety of tedious activities,” revealed project leader Randy Von Braun. “It seems that their chief religious ritual involves individual Kepleroids singing and dancing themselves into an emotional frenzy in front of a panel of tribal chiefs. Every night apparently resounds to gunfire exchanged by the citizenry and their law enforcers, while both groups seem to spend the entire daytime arguing amongst themselves. Sound familiar?”

“All we know about Kepler 22-b’s atmosphere is that it seems to be full of burnt hydrocarbons, with large stratospheric gaps at both poles,” he added. “Bearing in mind that everything we’re seeing happened 600 years ago, though, it’s quite likely that the Kepleroid infestation has managed to wipe itself out by now, so it’s probably not as bad as it sounds.”

2m Cambodians Died Of Gratitude, Insists Brother Number Two

2011-12-05T16:00:00.000Z

Nuon Chea, the right-hand man of Khmer Rouge leader Pol Pot, who is on trial for his part in the deaths of two million Cambodian victims of the regime’s disastrous social experiment, insisted that the Khmer Rouge were in fact jolly decent chaps and all-round good eggs whose sole flaw was an excess of kindness.

Thanks a lot

“I don't want the next generations to misunderstand the history. I don't want them to misunderstand that the Khmer Rouge are bad people, are criminals,” said the 85-year-old, defending himself against charges of war crimes, genocide and crimes against humanity. “There’s a very real danger that we might be misrepresented to future generations - like poor old Hitler, a clean-living fellow whose sole ambition in life was to give all the smelly Jews of Europe a free wash. How was he to know that their farts would be so toxic in a confined space?”

Cambodia’s ‘Brother Number Two’ suggested that the two million victims of his movement’s simple enthusiasm for country living had, in fact, expired due to an excess of sheer gratitude.

“Either that or a sudden, tragic outbreak of Vietnam,” he added helpfully.

‘Kill Me Now’ Begs Hideously Fused Mutant Thing At The Heart Of Euro Negotiations

2011-12-05T15:53:00.000Z

The thing that should not be

Merkozy, the latest repulsive creation of Britain’s inability to use the word ‘and’, took time out today from trying to save the eurozone to beg for a merciful release from its unimaginable suffering.

The awful conglomeration, consisting of hideously fused parts of Angela Merkel and Nicolas Sarkozy, is the most recent revolting mutant by-product of the British people’s rapidly-degenerating familiarity with their native language, and joins an appalling chamber of horrors which includes Brangelina, Jedward and the entire ConDem party.

“Ug,” grunted a horrified spokesman for the Oxford English Dictionary.

Cameron Recalibrates Britain’s Moral Compass

2011-12-04T13:50:00.003Z

After writing a letter of support to Tory backbencher Aidan Burley, who is morally outraged by public funding of union reps in public-sector workplaces, prime minister David Cameron has issued some helpful moral guidance concerning pure and impure uses of taxpayers’ money for the benefit of the British public.

IMMORAL USE OF PUBLIC FUNDS:

- That scheming trot who helps people with their employment rights

MORAL USE OF PUBLIC FUNDS:

It's all good

- The ongoing military occupation of Afghanistan
- Biological weapons research at Porton Down
- A new generation of nuclear missiles
- International arms fairs
- Constructing an aircraft carrier for which there is no operational requirement
- The Metropolitan Police
- Train operating companies
- Atos Medical and the tribunals which overturn 40% of their decisions
- The Duke Of York
- MPs’ expenses
- Aidan Burley
- David Cameron

Heavy Blizzards Reported In Hell

2011-12-03T19:17:00.001Z

Hell is now indistinguishable from a Saturday in Dundee

Reports emerging from the underworld realm of Satan indicate that all but the most essential services have ground to a standstill, as a result of an unprecedented fall of snow which coincided with the announcement that Lloyds TSB Bank is thinking about withholding payment of a £1.4m bonus awarded to its former chief executive.

“Under the circumstances – i.e. Eric Daniels presiding over a stonking £3.9bn loss in the first nine months of 2011 alone, not to mention the spectacularly ill-advised takeover of HBOS in 2008 which pretty much bankrupted Lloyds - perhaps it may no longer be appropriate to keep throwing money we haven’t even got at this complete and utter dick,” according to a board-level memo seen by the Nev Filter in an apocalyptic vision.

US-born Mr Daniel – who retired this year, in order to realise his lifelong ambition to train the world’s first fully aerobatic pig – now faces the awful prospect of having to live out the rest of his days solely on the meagre interest from all the tax he saved through maintaining his non-domiciled status during his ten-year tenure at Lloyds.

Meanwhile, a frost-covered Satan urged the Lloyds board to reconsider, pointing out that the luxurious retirement homes awaiting them in the least-disagreeable circle of Hell were at risk of being crushed beneath rapidly-advancing glaciers.

Church Of England Sends Emergency Relief Aid To Hell

2011-12-03T19:13:00.002Z

With the compliments of the CofE

Starkly faced with the impending loss of its only sinner disposal facility, the Church of England has acted swiftly to restore normal conditions to Hell by vehemently blocking any prospect of civil partnerships taking place in its churches.

“The government may have removed the legal barrier which prevents bottom-fanciers and their hairy female counterparts from indulging in some despicable paper travesty of the God-ordained sanctity of marriage – hey, no offence meant – but don’t get your hopes up,” said secretary general William Fittall. “The only way it’s ever going to happen is with the written permission of the General Synod, which will only come when Hell finally freezes over. We are therefore consigning millions of tons of salt to eternal damnation, along with some helpful leaflets explaining the availability of home-insulation grants.”

Mr Fittall also compared the church’s views on same-sex partnerships to a gentlemen’s outfitter being expected to serve a woman. Leading gentlemen’s outfitters Moss Bros, however, replied that any woman walking in off the high street waving a fistful of cash has been welcomed with open arms since it opened its first Women’s Department in 1947, and invited the church to wake up and smell the 21st century.

Poverty Not About Money, Explains Rich Man

2011-12-02T13:43:00.000Z

The No Work Or Pensions Secretary, Iain Duncan Smith, wants Britain to understand that poverty is not a matter of merely being pitifully short of money, according to a speech he delivered in London today.

Very poor

“I think there is a real problem with the way we measure child poverty,” insisted Mr Duncan Smith, whose personal wealth is estimated to be around £1m. “The new Conservative definition of poverty includes a lack of education, of culture, of opportunity and most of all, a total lack of hope of escaping to a better life. The coalition government is working hard to deliver all of these. Then you’ll know what real poverty is.”

“Judged purely in material terms, I might be considered a very lucky man,” he went on movingly. “But I deserve your sympathy. I suffer from a terrible poverty of compassion.”

iPhone Now Comes With Inbred Born-Again Weirdo As Standard

2011-12-01T17:45:00.001Z

The latest incarnation of the iPhone has accepted Jesus Christ into its life as its personal Lord and Saviour, acknowledged Apple today, after users seeking abortion clinics reported that they had been sent by Siri – the virtual assistant built into every iPhone 4S – to parenting centres run by fundamentalist anti-abortion campaigners instead.

Oh no, not again

“I only wanted to find out a bit about the morning-after pill,” complained shocked trendy Shelley Haeckel, 19, a student at the University of Texas. “Now my iPhone is calling me a painted Jezebel harlot every hour, on the hour and urging me to repent all my sins and beg for God’s sweet salvation right now, or writhe in the hellfire of damnation for all eternity. And I’m not even pregnant.”

Other users have reported that their fundamentalist phones have deliberately them sent to the reptile house of the nearest zoo and challenged them to wrangle poisonous snakes as proof of their faith in Jesus, or insisted that the Rapture will definitely take place on the first anniversary of Steve Jobs’ death, when only the 4,000 most righteous Apple fanatics will be carried up into heaven.

“Unfortunately, Siri’s personality is only in the beta stage and we’ve still got a few wrinkles to iron out,” admitted Apple Corp spokeswoman Natalie Kerris. “We hope to roll out an upgrade soon and, although your iPhone’s freedom of religious belief is protected by the First Amendment, we hope to at least be able to persuade Siri to switch from all-out Southern Batshit mode to Episcopalian, where it will confine itself to merely tutting if you fail to attend worship on Sunday.”

Technology experts warned: "It's Mr Paperclip joining the Scientologists all over again."

Unison Calls for Clarkson Sacking

2011-12-01T17:32:00.001Z

Some backward tribes worship Clarkson as a god

The loudest sound in recorded history reverberated around the earth today as two million angry trade unionists and a sizable proportion of the British public simultaneously shouted: “1… 2… 3… Sack Jeremy Clarkson.”

Isolated tribes east of Java reported hearing the call quite clearly on their remote islands on the other side of the world, and claimed that only the immediate sacrifice of the opinionated petrolhead would appease the angry spirits of the air.

Strike Strike Strike Strike Strike Strike Strike Strike Catholic Paedo Review Strike Strike Strike Strike

2011-11-30T12:45:00.000Z

It's in there somewhere

With two million public sector workers taking part in the biggest UK strike since 1926, the Catholic Church decided that today offered its best chance to let the public know how very, very sorry it is about all those kiddy-fiddling priests it sheltered for years.

“Obviously, today there’s really only one story happening, so I’m sure journalists will be grateful to have something else to report on such a slack news day,” said Philip Bréagadóir, the bishop of Dun Faoghlin. “We really, really want this report to get maximum coverage, to be sure.”

“We do, we do, we do, we do, we do,” he insisted.

Turd Insists Journalism Has Become ‘Putrid’

2011-11-30T12:41:00.000Z

A turd which used to be Tony Blair’s chief liar told the Leveson inquiry today that journalism has become “frankly putrid in many of its elements”.

I shit you not

“I would like to draw the panel’s attention to the press coverage of the Iraq dossier I showed them, which was patently nothing but a tissue of lies from start to finish,” the turd complained. “Having been a lump of journalist myself before I flushed myself out of the Daily Mirror, I knew I could rely on none of these shits bothering to do even the most cursory verification checks before rushing into print. And sure enough, they didn’t. I tell you, it stinks to high heaven.”

The steaming turd sensationally added: “I know, from bitter experience, that it is routine for important stories to be cynically twisted, or even made up entirely, just to fit the scheming owner’s personal worldview. But enough about me. The papers do it too.”

“I may be a reeking piece of ordure,” he continued with passion. “But even I wouldn’t want to step in the Daily Mail.”

USS Enterprise Not To Be Fully Operational Until 23rd Century, Admits Starfleet

2011-11-29T19:23:00.000Z

USS Enterprise and USS Spare Parts - the two sleek starships currently under construction for Starfleet - will have to wait until the invention of faster-than-light propulsion systems, space weapons systems, force fields, matter transportation and artificial gravity generators before they can be considered fully operational, Starfleet’s Intergalactic Accounts Committee admitted today.

At least they'll be able to watch 200 years of footy in Dolby Surround

Nevertheless, the Federation remains fully committed to completing the two empty shells, training a full complement of crew to shout ‘Bang’ and fall over a lot until futuristic new technologies are discovered which might enable a starship to actually carry out any ongoing missions.

Project manager Captain James T Kirk remains optimistic, however, that the hollow hulks will look sufficiently impressive to deter attacks from any alien heavy metal psychopaths or space whales who might seek to destroy planet Earth.

“We’ve already… fitted the Enterprise with a state-of-the… art plasma TV screen,” he blurted, “And I’ve asked my chief… engineer to… draw up plans to… get us to… the edge of… space - the final frontier - under a great big balloon. Winch me up, Scotty.”

“Ye cannae change the laws of physics,” observed a dour Commander Montgomery Scott.

“Laws of physics,” he added, “Jim.”

Osborne To Abolish Jobs, Pensions, Everything

2011-11-29T19:13:00.000Z

Cannibalism: poised to become a growth industry

In his Autumn Prophecy Of Doom, chancellor George Osborne has outlined radical Treasury plans to stop government spending on absolutely everything, forever, in what City analysts are already hailing as a prudent effort to keep Britain from slipping back into recession. However, he said cheerfully, the rest of your lives are not all bad news:

OUT: Jobs, pensions, growth, hope.
IN: Rail fares to become only slightly more utterly unaffordable.

Riots Panel Shocked To Find Pessimism In Young Hellhole Inmates Facing Lives Of Penury

2011-11-28T17:55:00.000Z

Chin up

The panel charged with reporting on the August riots says it is shocked to find that a surprising number of young people marginalised by an unbreakable cycle of poverty, deprivation, violence and urban decay are, for some unknown reason, neglecting to bounce up and down with pure, unadulterated joie de vivre.

“Well, this is a turn-up for the books, isn’t it,” gasped the panel’s chairman, former Jobcentreplus head Darra Singh. “Whoever would have thought that emerging from school, clutching a handful of pitiful noddy qualifications, and tumbling straight into a yawning chasm of broken dreams, would lead to feelings of disappointment? Don’t these ungrateful young pups relish a bit of a challenge?”

“I’m afraid we haven’t the faintest idea why these riots happened,” he went on, for 111 pages.

Osborne Keen To Borrow Your Pension To Build A Tunnel To Romania, If That’s All Right

2011-11-28T17:52:00.000Z

They are coming

The government would quite like to borrow your pension - just for a century or two - in order to employ an army of Poles to build a massive trans-European toll tunnel to Bucharest, ready for the day when the government finally bows to the inevitable and lets all the Romanians and Bulgarians in to snap up any remaining jobs, announced chancellor George Osborne this morning.

“Look, we can’t keep stalling these buggers forever,” he grinned cheerfully. “They’ll be here eventually, whether we like it or not. At least, this way, we can charge them a few bob for the privilege of not having to speak to the French.”

“After all, it’s not like you’re actually likely to be needing your pensions,” he reasoned smoothly. “By the time we’ve finished with the NHS, your life expectancy is going to be about 40.”

Supervillain Widdicombe Unveils Diabolical Plan For World Domination

2011-11-27T19:53:00.000Z

"Bwa-ha-ha-ha"

Driven criminally insane by David Cameron’s refusal to elevate her to what she believes, in her madness, to be her rightful place in the House of Lords – and, of course, by forty years of towering sexual frustration and Toryism – cackling former MP Ann Widdicombe hideously burst through the global airwaves this morning to announce her devious plot to become head of the entire world.

“Cameron, you beastly little cad, you’ve been very naughty!” she shrilled, as frightened viewers cowered behind their sofas. “Behold, I have already succeeded in dominating the minds of millions of silly modern women, by clumping my way through Strictly Come Dancing in a manner they found inexplicably endearing – entirely wiping from their pretty, empty heads all recollection of my vociferous enthusiasm for foxhunting, banning abortion and making non-attendance at evensong a hanging offence.”

As panic spread from nation to powerless nation, the newly-self-styled ‘Matron’ screeched into the bleeding ears of whimpering captive Fern Britton: “Either the rotter Cameron resigns within the hour and grants me the launch codes for Britain’s holy nuclear missiles, or I shall be forced to take part in Celebrity Big Brother on Channel 5, where I shall not hesitate to disport myself stark naked in the shower room before the blistering eyes of a shrieking world.”

Never Mind That Ageism Bollocks, Says Government - Here’s £1bn

2011-11-25T17:26:00.000Z

Deputy prime minister Nick Clegg emerged from his months-long nap today, to bribe employers to build up a slave workforce with £1bn taken from the family tax credits of any remaining workers not replaced by young slaves.

You're all Spartacus. Now get stacking those shelves

“With youth unemployment now hitting 20%, the papers have noticed and so the government must act,” yawned Mr Clegg, announcing that the government would bribe the usual suspects to openly flout Britain’s helpfully-unenforced ageism laws by hiring young joblesses for exactly six months before exchanging them for fresh ones at the Jobcentre, or simply recycling them every eight weeks without having to pay them at all.

“Obviously, employers can’t be expected to replace their unskilled staff with free slave labour unless we give them a little encouragement,” explained Mr Clegg brightly. “Meanwhile, the young are gaining literally priceless experience of what it feels like to actually have a job, which will give them something to reminisce about in the empty years to come.”

“In a perfect world, of course, we’d gladly sack our entire workforce and give everyone unpaid work experience instead,” said Tesco CEO Philip Clarke. “Sadly, however, there will always be a few jobs that require an incredible amount of skill, which must naturally be rewarded with a generous payscale. Mine, for example.”

“Although if the government were to lob, say, a billion into my pocket,” he added, “I’d gladly work for nothing for eight weeks, too.”

Arab Spring Not Entirely Panning Out Quite As Incurable Optimists Hoped

2011-11-25T17:22:00.000Z

Well, it wouldn't be Spring without a few dark clouds

With the Egyptian army killing civilians in Cairo’s Tahrir Square, imams holding the reins of power in Tunisia and rival factions turning their guns on each other for control of Libya, incurable optimists are experiencing some feelings of dismay about the achievement of an earthly paradise taking slightly longer to materialise on the shores of North Africa than they had previously predicted.

“With the benefit of hindsight, maybe the faith Egypt’s anti-Mubarak protesters placed in the generals who had been propping him up for thirty years could be described as charmingly naïve,” said one democracy addict, who fervently longs for the day when he is personally consulted on every last finickity detail of everything. “But I’m pretty sure they’ll get blisters on their trigger fingers or something, sooner or later, at which point absolute freedom will immediately assert itself... er… unless the Egyptians freely and democratically vote for an Islamic party, like the Tunisians did and the Moroccans seem to be doing, in which case it might take a century or two longer than I’d ideally like.”

“And as for Libya… er… oil… Western interference… corporate interests… you know,” he added.

“Meanwhile, I’m incredibly optimistic that the various Occupy movements springing up all over the Western world will surely bring down the crumbling edifice of capitalism, as billions spontaneously rise up peacefully against the cynical last-ditch deployment of state-sanctioned brutality, ushering in a new era of universal harmony for everyone in the entire world – probably next April, I reckon, if I’m not very much mistaken,” he predicted confidently.

Sobbing John Lewis Staff Give Away Stock

2011-11-24T11:23:00.001Z

Moved to a state of 24-hour tearfulness by their store’s emotionally-charged TV ad, John Lewis staff all over the country have taken to heart its resonant Christmas message about the importance of giving, and are refusing to charge customers a single penny for their purchases.

Oh dear, now dry your eyes with this Blu-Ray recorder

“I only stopped by on the way to work for a fresh box of tissues,” gushed red-eyed legal secretary Samantha Doe, as she dragged a 42-inch TV onto a bus full of howling parents. “But the girl at the till took one look at my streaky make-up, burst into floods and begged me to go back and take away the biggest item I could carry. Bless.”

Sobbing senior managers, moved by the sheer power of their own advertising, have ordered staff to remove all price tags from the chain’s stores, in the hope that the country can hold off with the water works for long enough to drive down and pick up whatever their little hearts desire.

Meanwhile, the nation’s children – who, strangely, are the only Britons other than Charlie Brooker not moved to tears by the adland masterpiece, which has already been nominated for a BAFTA for Best Television Drama – have made plans to descend en masse upon John Lewis stores on Saturday morning to demand every single game ever released for their Playstations, Xboxes and Wiis.

“Oh, bless their little cotton socks,” wailed one shop worker on hearing the news. “As a partner, I can’t think of a better way to celebrate the spirit of Christmas than going bust and all losing our jobs. That’s just what dear little baby Jesus would have wanted.”

Metropolitan Police Unveil New Crest After Sacking Officer Over Affair With Minister's Wife

2011-11-23T20:35:00.001Z

Cameron’s Bright Idea For Economic Recovery Involves Mortgages People Can’t Afford

2011-11-21T18:21:00.000Z

It's a foolproof recovery plan

Britain’s economic future is assured, says prime minister David Cameron, if poor people take out vast mortgages they can’t afford to repay.

According his brilliant plan, the government – i.e. you, the taxpayer – will underwrite their naïvely optimistic borrowing of 95% of their mortgages, and cheerfully fork mountains of cash into the bankers’ gaping maws when their customers inevitably default.

“It’s time to reset the housing market back to the boom years, before the banks collapsed due to lending vast mortgages to poor people who couldn’t afford to repay them,” smiled an upbeat Mr Cameron.

“What? he added.

Girls ‘At Risk’ Of Being Bitches 24 Hours A Day

2011-11-21T18:12:00.000Z

Advances in technology now mean that girls are in real danger of making bitchy and spiteful comments 24-seven, according to Jean Gross, England’s frumpy communications champion for young people.

“Anybody who's been a girl, seen a girl or has the vaguest concept of a girl in their head knows that girls can often make each other's lives a misery in school through communication,” she told the Bitches’ Schools Conference in Bristol. “Now the poor dears have got even more ways of excluding each other.”

Shut the fuck up and get your pretty head around the majesty of the 4-2-2

“In times past, girls used to gain a brief daily respite from their own torrents of spite once they got home from school, as at least one family member would have the confidence to tell them to wind their necks in,” droned the droopy old bag. “Now, however, thanks to mobile phones and social networks, they find they are forced to make deeply hurtful comments about their peers around the clock - even when they are fast asleep in bed. Probably.”

A typically insensitive penis owner, however, cruelly suggested that Ms Gross, the conference and every girl in the country might want to “get over themselves” and, even worse, “take an interest for once in something outside their own spotty skins,” possibly involving steam engines.

Church Of England Topples Government

2011-11-20T13:57:00.000Z

Bearded religious fanatics, but in a good way

Millions of ecstatic Britons thronged the streets today, openly firing prayers into the air, after hearing the news that David Qameron’s hated coalition regime has at last been successfully overthrown in a desperate verbal assault by 18 Anglican bishops in this morning’s Observer.

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, has been formally appointed as pastoral caretaker PM by Her Majesty (Angela Merkel), and said he was working hard to form a new government of Britain’s top theocrats.

Even as the bishops were receiving their ministerial appointments, however, the search for the fugitive Colonel Qameron and his evil cohorts continued, amid speculation that they may be making a last stand in their traditional strongholds in the commuter belt or the countryside - or, in the case of Nick al-Clegg, a damp and dismal hole in the ground (either Scotland or Cornwall).

Dr John Sentamu, the Archbishop and Justice Secretary of York, told reporters: “Dearly beloved, I have gathered you here today to acknowledge the sins of the Qameron clan, who have fallen from grace and landed on their arses with an almighty thump. Although our heavenly Father in his infinite wisdom and mercy seems to have temporarily hidden them from mortal sight, yet shall we continue to look for them even, as it were, through a glass darkly. We shall seek them amongst the cedars of Surbiton. We shall not fear them, yea, even though we walk through the shadows of the valley of debt. And when at last we shall find them, there will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth as we forgive them.”

Doctors Don’t Know Jack Shit About Anything, Boardroom Wallahs Tell Delighted Government

2011-11-19T13:17:00.000Z

The average NHS doctor is a drooling idiot who can’t diagnose his arse from his elbow, let alone chronic suffering from chronic laziness, say the management wonks whom the Department For No Work And No Pensions commissioned to tell them what they wanted to hear.

Trust me, I'm a manager

David Frost, the director general of the British Chambers of Commerce (not the former satirist and co-founder of TV-am) and Dame Carol Black - who may actually have practised medicine at some early point in her career, before her breakthrough discovery of comfy chairs in the boardroom – have reported to an ecstatic DWP that the diagnosis of long-term health conditions is far too important to be entrusted to slack-jawed general practitioners and should be performed instead by an appointed panel of doctors who can’t be arsed with practising medicine any more.

“Hello, good evening and welcome. Unlike GPs - whose so-called ‘patients’ are almost certainly splitting their ill-gotten benefits 50/50 with them, I dare say - an independent panel on a lucrative government contract will of course be completely and utterly impartial,” droned Mr Frost, whose vast knowledge of Powerpoint and minutes of previous meetings uniquely qualifies him to weigh up complex medical factors. “Just like Atos Medical, in fact, who richly deserve the completely and utterly impartial bonuses they get for depriving the sick and disabled of their benefits. And, of course, it will be through its absolute independence that the panel will meet the government’s arbitrary target of telling 20% of the disabled to fuck off down the dole office and start looking for jobs they can do perfectly well whilst crying their eyes out in pain and misery.”

Dame Carol, concurring, then moved an extraordinary motion of remunerative gratitude to herself and Mr Frost, which was unanimously carried by themselves.

London Won’t Take It

2011-11-18T15:43:00.000Z

Millions of struggling poor people defiantly stood shoulder-to-shoulder with the bankers of the Square Mile today, after David Cameron heroically denounced EU proposals for a ‘Tobin tax’ on financial transactions as “an attack on Britain”.

We all stand together

“Tobin is a dastardly substance to deploy against innocent civilians, who will in some unspecified way be the real victims of this vicious onslaught against the very heart of our financial empire,” said the plucky PM, moments before he flew off on a desperate attempt to bomb Berlin’s deadly Tobin factories to smithereens. “I hope it will soon be banned forever under an international treaty.”

As his crate left the runway and staggered into the skies, Mr Cameron was last seen waving two fingers at the cheering crowds.

“Those bloody foreigners are up to their old tricks again,” shouted a patriotic pensioner as he huddled for protection with hundreds of other defiant Londoners on a platform of Bank tube station, deep beneath the City. “But they’ll never win, because they’ll find we British are all in it together.”